Brushing Up on My Bird Death Humor

You know me. I love a good bird death joke as much as the next guy who thinks birds are delicious. But someone had better call Homeland Security because we've got a LOOSE CANNON at livescience.com.

Hahaha, wait what? I think I missed the joke. Let me retrace my steps: bleeding to death, being blown into a craggy cliff, blinded by dense fog . . . oh I get it! Because fog is . . . nope, lost it. Let's keep on reading, maybe it'll become more clear.

Now we're cooking with laughs! In fact, this reminds me of another joke I heard. It was about a dog who got caught in a bear trap (like the cartoons) and apparently dragged the metal contraption 50 yards through a dense field of thicket, stopping halfway across to drink from a puddle of water, before bleeding out. I mean, that must be a really funny story because I'm crying – like when you laugh really hard, or that inexplicable tightness in your chest overwhelms you. I don't know if I can take any more of this zaniness!

Listen, livescience.com. I get that writing about birds can sometimes get boring. And then all the editors get together and are like "Bird story brainstorm!" and because the weather was nice this morning and someone brought in donuts, you're all kind of giddy to the point where someone is like, "Can you believe this story about birds flying into mountains?! It's like (sticking arms out to simulate wings) vroooom, splat!" And the managing editor is like, "I think you've got yourself a thesis!" Then everyone else is like, "lede, deck, nut graph!" and other stupid publishing words before Jeanna Bryner ends up back at her desk with a little powdered sugar on her fingers, still kind of chuckling at Phil's bird impersonation, and starts writing about how all this these birds flying to their death is HIGH-larious (that one's a freebie, livescience.com). But next time, let's leave the bird corpse humor to the bird corpse humor professionals in Britain, ok?